After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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