i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
