New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
