You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
