Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i drank out of a bidet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
