Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
