my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
