I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
