i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
