my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
