I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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