I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
