I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
