All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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