it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
sarcasm needs its own font
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
