Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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