Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
