Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
