I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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