was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
