just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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