the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
