Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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