do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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