She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
