Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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