I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
