That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
