did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
