you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
