You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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