Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
