i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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