Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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