DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
