I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
FUCK WHALES
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
