U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
