Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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