why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
