eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
