you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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