Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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