Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
