He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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