im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
