On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
