I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
