The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
