He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
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I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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