please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just gift wrapped bread.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
