My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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