When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.