GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever