There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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